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Indiana Judges Association: Incivility Anonymous - help is available

David J. Dreyer
February 2, 2011
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IJA-Dreyer-David(Meeting Transcript):

Hi. My name is Dave.

Hi, Dave.

I am an uncivil-holic.

Applause.

I don’t know where to begin. I didn’t want to become uncivil. It just kind of happened, I guess. I grew up in an uncivil family. My parents would stay up late at night, both uncivil as a skunk, and not feed us. We kids learned to fend for ourselves, but kids of uncivil parents often repeat the same pattern of abuse: lying to ourselves and others, always carrying that façade of civility, when really we were just waiting for the next opportunity to be mean. So naturally, I became a lawyer.

At first, I would be uncivil just when I was with friends or, you know, at a party where everyone was uncivil. But eventually, I found myself getting uncivil when I was home alone. Sometimes I would call in “sick” to the office, when I actually was so uncivil I couldn’t get out of bed. I even began hiding my incivility at work, sneaking insults, and mocking my colleagues when they couldn’t tell.

But I was lying to myself. I thought everything was alright, that all I needed was just a little confrontation now and then. In reality, I couldn’t go a day without getting totally uncivilized. See, when I was civil, I still felt this overwhelming craving. So I satisfied it in different ways thinking no one would catch on – making spurious arguments, writing rude e-mails, nitpicking discovery requests, or just being generally unfriendly. I needed to be uncivil all the time, the easy way out.

I once woke up and realized that I had been uncivil, on and off, for 47 straight days. No wonder my friends stopped talking to me. Even when I went to a bar association meeting, people looked the other way. Finally, I hit rock bottom. I was in an elevator and a terribly dressed lawyer got on. I needed to get uncivil so bad, and I couldn’t stop shaking. I woke up in an ambulance – I guess I passed out. At that moment, I gave up hope of ever becoming civil again.

I blamed everything and everyone I knew for my incivility: lousy clients, judges who ruled against me, Colts playoff games, everything except me. Then, like a miracle, an old judge friend, who had avoided me for years, called me. He knew I was hopelessly uncivil, and he appointed me as a judge pro tem for a day. He must have thought it might help change me. I was not sure I could pull this off. I had not been civil for a whole day since high school. But something inside me said, “This is your last chance.”

It was a difficult day. I was weak and uncertain. But late in the morning, two lawyers were arguing in open court about where to conduct a deposition, whether their phone calls had been returned, and threatening to counterclaim. Suddenly, I saw myself in them, and realized my incivility had made me a different person. I was lost and needed to get back. I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore, and I became committed to be my real self again, to stop putting on a mask, to remain civil. At that moment I realized I was powerless over incivility, and surrendered to a power greater than myself – the law. Now I needed to share my story with uncivil lawyers every day. So naturally, I became a judge.

As a judge, I have been able to remain civil because the system cannot function otherwise. The fate of people who aren’t even lawyers depends on how I manage myself – a responsibility that judges share and fulfill. Indeed, the community at large looks to judges to be the foundation of civil society – otherwise public confidence would erode and common decency might begin to disappear. I used to think civility was a weakness, but I now realize that incivility is the weakness. As I looked around, I began to see civility taking root around the world:

• Marion Superior Court (Indianapolis) issued civility guidelines for family law cases

• North Carolina State Bar Association started an “Ask Atticus” feature in its newsletter to answer anonymous civility questions

• Canada’s Advocate’s Society promulgated 16 civility principles.

I decided I didn’t want to be like the people once described by the philosopher Montaigne, “uncivil by too much civility, and tiresome in their courtesy.” I decided that real civility means not just being polite, but having real respect for my colleagues.

Applause



(End of Transcript)



Note to Reader: If you read this and think you might have a problem, chances are you do. Please do not let your fear or denial get in the way of your recovery.•

__________

Judge David J. Dreyer has been a judge for the Marion Superior Court since 1997. He is a graduate of the University of Notre Dame and Notre Dame Law School, and he is a former board member of the Indiana Judges Association. The opinions expressed in this column are the author’s.

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  1. My mother got temporary guardianship of my children in 2012. my husband and I got divorced 2015 the judge ordered me to have full custody of all my children. Does this mean the temporary guardianship is over? I'm confused because my divorce papers say I have custody and he gets visits and i get to claim the kids every year on my taxes. So just wondered since I have in black and white that I have custody if I can go get my kids from my moms and not go to jail?

  2. Someone off their meds? C'mon John, it is called the politics of Empire. Get with the program, will ya? How can we build one world under secularist ideals without breaking a few eggs? Of course, once it is fully built, is the American public who will feel the deadly grip of the velvet glove. One cannot lay down with dogs without getting fleas. The cup of wrath is nearly full, John Smith, nearly full. Oops, there I go, almost sounding as alarmist as Smith. Guess he and I both need to listen to this again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRnQ65J02XA

  3. Charles Rice was one of the greatest of the so-called great generation in America. I was privileged to count him among my mentors. He stood firm for Christ and Christ's Church in the Spirit of Thomas More, always quick to be a good servant of the King, but always God's first. I had Rice come speak to 700 in Fort Wayne as Obama took office. Rice was concerned that this rise of aggressive secularism and militant Islam were dual threats to Christendom,er, please forgive, I meant to say "Western Civilization". RIP Charlie. You are safe at home.

  4. It's a big fat black mark against the US that they radicalized a lot of these Afghan jihadis in the 80s to fight the soviets and then when they predictably got around to biting the hand that fed them, the US had to invade their homelands, install a bunch of corrupt drug kingpins and kleptocrats, take these guys and torture the hell out of them. Why for example did the US have to sodomize them? Dubya said "they hate us for our freedoms!" Here, try some of that freedom whether you like it or not!!! Now they got even more reasons to hate us-- lets just keep bombing the crap out of their populations, installing more puppet regimes, arming one faction against another, etc etc etc.... the US is becoming a monster. No wonder they hate us. Here's my modest recommendation. How about we follow "Just War" theory in the future. St Augustine had it right. How about we treat these obvious prisoners of war according to the Geneva convention instead of torturing them in sadistic and perverted ways.

  5. As usual, John is "spot-on." The subtle but poignant points he makes are numerous and warrant reflection by mediators and users. Oh but were it so simple.

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