Dana Soeurt: Don’t fall for the modern-day myth of so-called ‘self-care’

We have all heard the term “self-care.” Maybe we have seen it in a magazine, heard it on a podcast or from our HR departments, or seen it linked with advertisements for spa treatments. But what does this term really mean?

As a mental health therapist and well-being advocate with Indiana’s Judges and Lawyers Assistance Program, I’ve had a lot of conversations surrounding self-care. I once had a therapy client tell me that self-care was “the things that make you feel good.” It makes sense, as we tend to identify things that are fun or relaxing as “self-care.” I’ve often heard that vacationing, spa days, shopping, bubble baths or even a night out at the bar qualifies as “self-care.” But do they really? Or is this a smart sales tactic for these products and services by commercial industries? After all, aren’t we more likely to purchase something if we are told it’s good for us?

The concept of self-care has been hijacked, watered down and misunderstood as these “feel good” items. I’m not here to police against doing things that feel good — quite the opposite. We should splurge on the “feel good” luxuries of life as time and resources allow. However, it’s crucial that we understand that doing things that feel good and that are good for us are two very different actions.

Therefore, I propose new terminology that shifts from “self-care” to truly “caring for ourselves” as an ongoing practice and way of living rather than a singular action. If we can begin to understand that really caring for ourselves is about having an awareness of what our human needs are and engaging in practices to meet those needs regularly, then we can get back to the heart of “self-care.” Sometimes actions to meet our needs feel good and can be enjoyable, but other times it’s the actions that aren’t fun and can require discipline that are what we need to do the most for ourselves.

So what needs am I talking about exactly? Different people have different needs, and our needs change throughout our lives. However, some universal categories of human needs apply to us all, including physical, emotional and spiritual.

Let’s start with our physical needs and what caring for ourselves physically looks like. This is the foundational category — meaning that without taking care of our physical needs, our efforts to address our emotional and spiritual needs will be far less effective. It’s like having all the parts of a car in perfect working order but not having any gas in the tank. Addressing our physical needs can require the most discipline and be the least enjoyable.

We are looking at diet, exercise, sleep and medical care. Nourishing our bodies and having some form of healthy movement in our lives are keys to physical wellness. This looks different for everyone, but it’s important for everyone. My favorite part of the physical needs category is sleep. I cherish my 7-8 hours of sleep a night, which is what we all require to function at our best. However, physical needs also involve making sure medical needs are addressed. Have you had your yearly checkup? Do you take your medicine as prescribed? Do you follow your doctor’s recommendations? These tasks can be hard to prioritize but are absolutely foundational.

Let’s move on to our emotional needs. Caring for ourselves emotionally involves how we experience, process and manage emotions in a manner that leads to more positive outcomes for ourselves. This realm has the potential to vary the most from person to person, which is why some choose to work with a therapist. However, there are some practices that can benefit us all emotionally. One of those is working to manage our perspective. Recognizing that we have control over our thought patterns and being flexible with our thinking helps us to be more grounded emotionally. Another is being able to ask for help and utilize support from others. After all, none of us got where we are by ourselves.

Lastly, let’s touch on spiritual needs. Spirituality can be a bit of a nebulous concept but speaks to our very human need to feel connected to something greater than ourselves and to have a sense of meaning and purpose. While this can involve religious practices, it’s really anything that makes us feel connected to a greater whole. This is the part of caring for ourselves that can and should feel good. You reflect on what’s important to you and what you value most, then let that guide your actions.

The first challenge with caring for yourself includes real self-reflection on what pieces of yourself and your needs you have been neglecting — physically, emotionally or spiritually. The second piece is putting together a plan of action. Keep in mind the goal is not about perfection but rather balance and wellness. While all of this might not be as exciting as a vacation or a spa day, those things by themselves are Band-Aids at best. Truly caring for yourself is hard work. It requires diligence, but it’s absolutely worth it as it leads to increased resilience and ultimately what will likely be a longer and happier life.•

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Soeurt is a clinical case manager with the Judges and Lawyers Assistance Program and a licensed clinical social worker.