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One call 25 years ago still comes to mind. A young man told me his “wife was crazy.” As we talked, it became clear they were both young, just had their second child, and she was struggling with what was clearly postpartum depression. I told him to step back, support her and give it time. Months later, he called again — this time relieved, even grateful — that he hadn’t spoken first to someone eager to suggest divorce.
Most recently, another caller reached my office in a state of panic, certain his life was over. No charges had been filed. Nothing was on the docket. But in his mind, the handcuffs were already on. He wasn’t asking questions. He was narrating a catastrophe.
The instinct in that moment is to soothe:
“It’s going to be fine.”
“Don’t worry.”
“We’ll get through this.”
But those responses are often about the lawyer, not the caller. They reflect our discomfort with fear more than they address it.
Over time, I’ve learned something different: In moments like that, you have to leave yourself out.
Instead of offering reassurance, I say: “This is a free consult. Take a breath, and let’s figure this out.” Then I ask simple, factual questions. What happened? Who was present? Has law enforcement contacted you? Are you under arrest or just worried?
Gradually, the tone changed. The caller moved from “my life is destroyed” to answering concrete questions about time, place and people. And in doing so, he began to see the situation more clearly. The imagined future began to loosen its grip.
Fear lives in the future, in imagination.
Law lives in the present, in structure.
Fear says, “Everything is lost.”
Law asks, “What can be done?”
What changed wasn’t the facts: It was the frame.
That same discipline applies beyond any single practice area. Learn to change the frame. Step out of the box.
Criminal lawyers benefit from handling the occasional protective order or family matter. These are often two sides of the same conflict.
Business attorneys gain perspective by working with estates, whether directly or alongside someone who does. Each expansion sharpens judgment about risk, timing and consequence.
By the end of these calls, nothing may be “fixed.” But something more important has happened. There is a plan. The caller knows what information to gather, what steps to take and what to avoid saying. Most importantly, they are no longer in free fall. There is a floor beneath them.
That is the quiet power of objectivity.
When you leave yourself out, you make room for something else to enter: clarity, order and the first small steps away from fear.•
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Graham is a criminal and family lawyer in Bloomington. Opinions expressed are those of the author.
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