Shelley Gupta: Boundaries are limits we must set for ourselves and enforce

We hear all the time about boundaries and setting them. But what are they really? Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves for what we will not accept. A boundary is not something we tell others and expect them to abide by, but rather a behavior we control ourselves. For example, a boundary is telling a client, “I do not take calls after 5 p.m.,” and if the client calls after 5 p.m., not answering the call. The client may continue to call, but it’s up to you to enforce that boundary.

It can be difficult to set boundaries, especially when it comes to loved ones and work. Often, loved ones may feel hurt and try to make you feel guilty. Setting boundaries with work may make you feel like you’re not doing enough. Like everything else in life, it takes practice to set and keep a boundary. Remembering why you set the boundary in the first place is key. Most boundaries are not arbitrary; they are to protect one’s own time, space, mental health, energy or peace.

For my own well-being, I had to stop working 12 to 14 hour days multiple days a week for weeks on end. That was miserable for me. I set a boundary with work, and the boundary was respected. Sometimes, holding true to your boundary is difficult — not because other people don’t respect it, but because you also value getting your work done in a timely manner, staying on top of everything and doing the most. Ultimately, it’s for you to decide what’s most important to you.

But how do you know what boundaries to set and when? Boundaries should align with your values and help you set limits on what you do with your time, energy and resources. How do you want to experience your life? What is within your control that would allow you to experience your life in that way? I value having time for myself and spending time with family and friends. My weekends are typically reserved for those closest to me and my own inclinations — usually climbing and spending time with my friends on Saturdays and not leaving my house on Sundays so I can craft, read and watch television.

I value being respected and being taken at my word. If someone won’t respect the decisions I make and what I tell them, I stop engaging with that person. It has led to friendship breakdowns and romantic breakups. These can be sad, but the sadness has never lasted long for me, because I’m aligned with my own values and not trying to force someone to respect me.

Look at what works for you and what doesn’t. What’s within your control? Ultimately, boundaries are about our own behaviors and actions. They’re about what you can do that positively impacts your life. Start gradually and set easy boundaries around something small and achievable. Say what you’re going to do, and then do what you said you would do. Share the achievement with a friend or a supportive person in your life. Keep practicing setting boundaries.

It’s not always going to be a perfect journey, and sometimes you won’t do what you said you would do. And that’s OK. When you see that you didn’t do what you said you would do, try again. Setting boundaries will help you live your life the way you want to live it.

If you’re new to setting boundaries and want to know more, check out “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. This is a great introduction to boundary setting.•

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Gupta is an attorney at Hensley Legal Group and a member of the JLAP Committee.